Who am I? Well, my name is Jared Wicker – I’m a copywriter, and a recent graduate of UNC. I’m…wait a second. Who are you?
That’s right, Mr. Iaskalotofquestions, doesn’t feel so good when somebody asks you a question, does it?
No? Well, I’m glad we’ve come to an understanding.
Damn. Well, maybe I was a bit hasty.
You actually look like you’re a pretty interesting person, as people go. Your shark wound is fascinating, and you’re otherwise pretty intact for somebody with a shark wound. Also, your baby is adorable.
Wait, you’re saying that you don’t have a baby?
Well, I guess you’re just fat then.
No, it’s fine! I actually rank my friends based on their usefulness to me after a flaming unicorn apocalypse. Your body fat will provide me shelter, just like that tauntaun did for Luke.
On fire or just really gay? I’ve never thought about that. I’m going to go with both. Imagine a unicorn in a spandex deep V…that’s on fire.
Okay, fine, walk away. You were getting boring anyway.
(I love you.)