So, it is February 13th, the day before Valentine’s Day, and I’m sitting in a room full of potential jurors, learning words like “evidence” and “judge” from a 15-year old video. There’s a pretty girl on the other side of the room, but she would never go for a simple juror like me. There’s no way she’s one – I don’t think they pull pretty people for jury duty. Maybe she’s the princess of my county, sent here to learn about her people. Obviously, this video did not teach me much about my local political system.
The Queen Juror (or whatever) keeps on talking about how she can “use our bodies for as many courtrooms as she wants.” In fact, she keeps on referring to “using our bodies.” It’s an odd choice of words. I feel used. I can’t help that there is some double meaning to it; maybe she’s hitting on somebody in the room – is it me?
Anyway, Valentine’s Day has made me realize that I’m never been on a real date. I mean, I’ve been on a date with a girlfriend, but I’ve never been on a sitcom date with somebody I wasn’t absolutely comfortable having a meal with. So, here’s a call out for tomorrow, ladies:
I am looking for a female with most and/or all of the following qualities:
1. Likes to run.
2. Is spontaneous.
3. Occasionally dresses up as a 2-year older version of herself, just to see if people notice.
4. Enjoys conversations at 3 am.
5. Loves to read.
6. Enjoys taste-testing food for poison before others eat. *
7. Enjoys the small things in life (if you know what I mean).
8. Takes everything for granted.
8. Likes to spontaneously chase people to see what they’ll do.
9. Quizzes salesmen on their saws’ ability to cut through bone.
10. Pretends that the loudspeaker in Target are the voices in her head.
11. Enjoys using the opposite facial expression for every emotion her voice displays.
12. Marks her territory with hugs.
13. Has no connections to the mafia.
14. Has many connections to the mafia.
(If both #13 and #14 apply to you, you have defied the laws of reality, and you are the perfect girl for me.)
*Essential for consideration.
I think that Valentine’s day is the most confusing holiday for everyone (excluding Earth Day…seriously, who understands that holiday?). I think that everybody is internally torn between a skepticism of the capitalism and societal pressure behind Valentine’s Day and a love for gorging oneself on chocolates. So, I’ve done the whole oblogatory (‘blog’ and ‘obligatory’) thing, and made Valentine’s cards to express how I feel. Share them with that special loved one! You are highly encouraged to actually use these – and, please, record his or her reaction.
This next one is for those of you who don’t find organs sexy. And I don’t mean church organs. (Hopefully, this accounts for at least 80% of my readers.)
Speaking of one’s insides, who actually enjoys eating candy hearts? I cannot think of a more uncomfortable way to tell somebody that you ‘wuv’ them. Here, eat this whole bag of heart-shaped dried toothpaste made by obviously illiterate kids in Asia. Some may even be made out of their bones. If you don’t finish the whole bag, you don’t love me. Water? You want water? You want to water down our love?!
And that led me to create…
And, here are a couple more:
Sadly, I will be alone. Again, any takers after reading my list?
P.S.: Which card was your favorite? And seriously, use these cards.